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I did post something a few days back but I later found it to be better suited for my other blog-site “Gridlocked”(the link is on the right hand side of this page). You may check it from there.

A new work is definitely on it’s way!!!

I see it; I like it, long to have it; it’s so nice, so spellbinding; wow…I am all out for it. It pulls me deeper and captivates me inside its mesmerizing beauty; smiling at me, teasing, and making me want it more and more. It is just everything I’ve been dreaming; it is just the kind of gift I’d wish my beloved could gift me – the one that would make me fall for it.

Far across the fence of my illusion, my self-realized circle of existence – the boundary that reminds me of the place I belong to – I see a glory so elevated that it instantly becomes my wish; not just a wish but a burning desire. I visualize a candle in my hand that tries to reach out for that thing - to give it a light of my own device; to have my name engraved on it. It is my fantasy to have it.

But the harsh reality takes all the wonderful dreams away from me and wakes me up to another harsh realism – the one that reminds me of the fence. It is a thin slender line forbidden to be transgressed for it has been said that it provides me with security against contempt; and of course the toughest word in the dictionary – discipline, is supposed to be injected into me if I keep myself from the other side. This line – The Fence – segregates my possessions from my desired possessions.

And the pain that touches my soul cries out to the beast, of self-deception, absorbed in me; the request for happiness makes that devil too good an incarnated truism and propels it to provide me with a solace full of shine. The warmth provided to me says “It is just that the grass is greener on the other side. There is nothing to worry and this, so expected, greener grass is just a chimera between authority and slavery.”

I am so happy, contended and red with bliss on my cheeks. What a friend to have in disguise – the self-deception beast.

But yes, I am cheating myself and just trying to avoid the pity I might sense for not being able to have that thing on my side. I know it is very much beyond my reach and it’s just to calm myself down that I say that the greener on the other side.

But why is it always that the grass is greener on the other side?

Is it what a true dream that can be described as? Is it a deception again cheating and questioning its own ability? Is it that we really need that thing? Or is it just human to be that way? Well it can simply be anything but for me, when I kill the self-deception beast inside of me, the greener pasture is an offshoot of my jealousy. Now this may be a bit closer to bitterness of heart but it offers me with a convincing answer to that huge why.

I want that thing, but I know I can’t. I see the other person having it and there is nothing I can really do about it. I absolutely find no ways to bring it on my side, so I, just to cheer myself a little, term it as sour grapes (remember the story of the fox trying to grab a bunch a grapes from a climber). I am but jealous of that other person’s possession and I am aware that if I openly accept it, it might be destructive for my esteem. So I find for it a softer and much more accepted explanation – “The grass is always greener on the other side”. (And maybe even the word green is by and large referred as the color of jealousy.)

I know I am wrong. I am simply finding ways to justify my inability to work for it and win it; I am putting my procrastinating nature in a much decorated envelope and presenting it to myself; I am rationalizing my weaknesses and timid qualities; I am validating my mediocre human nature to settle for the less. In a nut shell I am cheating my own good self.

But why is the grass greener on the other side than it is here?

Probably this is the reason why we humans are here today in this simplified life full of scientific advancement, and new knowledge that makes it more and more livable. Our longing for more in our life has created plenty of room for betterment; it have given us the desires to work harder; it has motivated us to believe in the impossible; it has shown us the beauty in fulfilling our dreams; it has just made us ask for even more than what life has to offer. And this of course, undoubtedly, is human nature; absolutely no question about that.

Visualizing greener pastures and trying to be there, makes us change our side of the fence into a better something; it gives us the extra punch required to make our own grass greener. With this I just mean to convey that it might be silly trying to cross the fence; it’d rather be more than good if we can simply work harder with more wisdom and virtue, to get our side far ahead of the other, in terms of fresh greenness i.e., the materialistic gains we often ask for.

But failing to understand that we can make our side better creates contempt and dissatisfaction. It seals away the meaning of our existence and forces us toward a dark path of emptiness. It is not for a human to lose his way out in this fashion - it is for him to keep trying and for that matter, winning – for winning is the only option and an act of losing is a crime.

We humans are born with desires, and we die with desires. The bell is always ringing but we seldom recognize its worth and complain of the irritating noise it creates. But this bell is the bell of opportunity – the much awaited knock on our door. All that is expected of a person of faith in himself, is to open the door to let that ringing opportunity in. Else, the only thing he can do is watch that glory go past him like a whisker in to the hands of his better counterpart in life, and later complain that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

It all starts with a choice we make and the option we stick to. Our principles and ethics determine the path we walk on, and the determination to stick on that path makes our journey a success with only one destination – the destination of an everlasting and pleasing eternity.

Now maybe this seems to be all but practical. But this is what is expected of us – converting theory and assumptions of high probability of precision, into action. What a life it would be if we can just work for everything we desire and get it. And this is possible only through the above said belief.

The grass on the other side is greener only for one reason – human nature to ask for more. And this is definitely the way it should be; it is good for our survival; not just survival but for a healthy living.

And no matter how bad or ugly the grass on our side is, it is our HOME.

Every now and then I go on a date with her; spend so many pleasant and unforgettable moments; and even before I realize that I am with her, the time for her to leave already arrives. Ah! That departure thing really hurts. She is so mesmerizing; has such a sweet smile and above all, makes me forget all the displeasure I can ever think of. What a nice friend to have; and I am damn sure I am not going to lose her no matter what comes in between us. She says she loves me and I know she does. Even I feel the same thing for her – my sweet little friend – Ms. Deception.

We hang around rather too often and find great times together, with each other. She says I am the best, that I am smart, that I can do everything and more. She praises me and lets me know that I can never go wrong, that there isn’t anybody who can beat me, and that it’s just a matter of time before everybody recognizes my worth; and I know she is not lying or trying to flatter me. She cares for me and will never let me down. After all she is Ms. Deception. And this is all what she is supposed to be doing.

Some times I just start to get the feeling that I am going in the wrong direction by falling in love with her. And she is already there; to rescue me, get me out of wrong place which fills me with wrong notions. She shows her indescribable fondness and warmth she has got for me. She gets me out of all the crap I invoke within me taking for granted that I have a beauty who shall never feel diminished when I don’t think about her. But to be frank, I actually think about her more when I am sure that I am not thinking about her. But she always loves me; my dearest Ms. Deception.

Then one day I woke up to a harsh reality. Even then I wasn’t sure that I was sleeping but all I knew was that I woke up. I understood that she was all but truth; she was beauty but was a misleading mirage; she was pure but that purity was a toxic; she was enchanting and enthralling but that was just to provide me with false contentment; she introduced bliss into my being but that was just to make me fall asleep into the dreams of unreal and inane gardens full of gorgeous flowers - flowers made of hemlock. She, as I understand now, was sweet yet un-forgiven. She had un-mistakably taken away my ability to recognize my faults. Ah! Ms. Deception, why did you do this to? What on earth made you kill my self-conscience? You are bad. You are insane. You are a cheat and you can never be good for me. I shall never forgive you.

But wait, I am not going to leave her this way; not forgiving means inflicting a punishment; and it should be a punishment as large as the love she had for me. So then I decided to answer her back in her own dish. I devised a plan to teach her a lesson. I planned to deceive Ms. Deception.

I made up my mind to become the best of all I can be; a person who is an exception to all the man-made boundaries of perfection beyond which not even the very best of the contemptuous men can see. I decided to make myself a human too good to be a human. And all this was just decided to cheat Ms. Deception. And this decision also meant that I am going to use her for my most selfish desire of becoming the highest creation and the cleanest heart to ever exist.

I knew that if I behave and show the very best, she’d call me bad and probably very bad. I also knew that if I manage to stop this degradation to hinder my self-esteem, I’ll well be deceived, and I’ll believe that I am the worst.

And this happened. I was deceived to perfection – till I was sure and confident that I got nothing good in me. I was very happy for I knew this was good for me. When I know that I am bad, I am bound to work even harder to make myself good. And more bad I think I am, the more I’ll work to become good. Ha ha ha, Ms. Deception, just see how cruel I am. What do you think, is it only you who can deceive? You are wrong. I have got a gift form my Lord, which I have thankfully realized. And this gift is my mind. Don’t mistake it for a brain for it’s merely a physical lump of mass. My mind has the facility to think and ponder, and you know what, I have learnt to use it.

Ms. Deception, I defeat you.

She is gone now making me a better person. I have now become all that I was created to be. I am the best now. I am the purest now. Everybody likes me and loves me for what I am. Everywhere I go I spread happiness and cheer. People adore me.

But was Ms. Deception so weak. She loved me so much, how can she get hurt with a small execution of a merciless plan? How is it possible that she has left the person who could never live without her? How can she live without me? How can she leave me when I have become the greatest of the men who reside on this planet? How can she ignore the crowned king?

A very long time passed and I was confident that I no more had Ms. Deception with me, and I also knew that I was the best. It was all so wonderful. And then suddenly, I woke up. Hey, I was already awake. I woke up long back. What the freak is this now? Damn it. Who said I woke up?

There was a thunder up in the sky. The lightning was so full of horror that I was again sure I woke up. Come on now. I said I never slept. I said I was already awake. How can I wake up again? Have I gone mad?

Then there was a loud, strong and clear voice from the above. It was totally a different accent; I had never heard of something like this before. I began to feel small and tiny. I felt frail and shiver. This was God speaking.

He said, “You are crazy”.
In a suffocating voice I replied, “I know it”.
He asked, “What are you doing for it then. Don’t you have any will to come out of that craze?”

I was confused. Am I expected to come out of this? I don’t have Ms. Deception with me. How can I do something wrong that God himself had to come to me and tell me to correct myself. I might be dreaming. But…but…it was just a few minutes back I thought I woke up. I am going nuts.

He raised His voice again, “You think you don’t have her with you. What made you think that? Why do you think whatever you think about yourself? Why do you believe that you are the best? It’s only because you are still being deceived”.

Now He was softer with me and began to explain me with love. “Ms. Deception never left you. She just got deeper into you and made you take it for granted that she has left. She is there with you, closer to you than before. She is absorbed in you and it’s not a human act to separate her from yourself. She has been deceiving you and cheating you all these days and was making you believe that you are simply something more than good. It was an illusion you were living with. You are a victim of self-deception.”

Then I understood how silly I had been all these days. I smiled at my own foolishness and regretted my inability to realize that I was simply fooling myself.

I pleaded, “Oh! God please tell me what I must do now”.

He said, “Use Ms. Deception to her best of ability as you did when you had planned. But never think that she has left you. She will never do that. Stick to the principle of integrity and utilize her efficiency. Love her and make her do only good to you”.

Then He left.

Then the very next moment I went on a date with her. She is so nice, so charming. She is helping me now; to become a better person. I try to go against her but she never distances herself from me. I use the art of self-deception now, and I am doing it pretty well.

Now, just before ending this story, I’d like to tell you that I never expect you to understand it. I admit that what I have written was tough to comprehend. But it’s okay. I just don’t write for you, I write for myself – to satisfy myself. So just relax and try to imagine what I might be doing now with her.

Oh! God. I am at it AGAIN. Saying that I don’t expect people to understand what I write. No, I want them to understand what I write and I want them to help me realize the infliction of deception Ms. Deception tries on me. How can I cheat myself by saying that I don’t write for others? If I don’t write for others then why am I trying to make so many people read it? I must really be a fool. Silly me.

So now, I am with her. I play with her; I flirt with her; I dance with her. Wow, I am really in love. Not in love with Ms. Deception. I am in love with my life. But I enjoy my time with her. It’s so wonderful. I romance with deception.

We don’t recognize when we are doing it. Not even after we have done. We don’t admit when others protest; there is the egotist rapt in our soul, warring to repudiate yielding, eluding your desire to beget the non-spurious intonation – a ramification of our devout conscience. It cheats us, proves our debility to open a door through which the expression of non-corroded purity, from our true inner self, might try to emanate out. Yes, it makes us fake our actions, counterfeit our words with a gleam – make them look biased.

If you have got me by now, I am with exalted humility, speaking of the iniquity that pushes us to do it. And the “it” I speak, is the fraudulence we often set in motion, when we have our mouths open.

Integrity by definition means the quality of being honest and morally upright. Integrity is the cliché that must never say quits. It is purity, as pure as life itself, wealthier than any figment that should acquire all the gold in the worlds, as true as truth itself.

Our reputation is all we take to our grave – first-rate or awful. But who cares for what the grave has in stock; too busy to give a think to the living, we hurry past the pathway as though we know it like the back of our hands. We push through the seasons ceasing to have that pinch of guilt in our desolated souls (if I am not inflating it), taking forsake the every forbidden idea we utter so often – the lie. So easy has it become to do it – to sacrifice our integrity.

Good character builds trust and trust is the glue of relationship - the profoundly proclaimed necessity for every human, the commitment that verily inspires millions of souls. And so often we cheat these relationships. I don’t say we cheat people as they are not the need, but the relationship is. We spoil the splendor by the utterance of untrue words and undermine the saint in us. Dishonesty chokes true relations; be it friendship or any other.

Every time we speak a lie, we cause to make a crack in the foundation of our integrity. We may not have the guilt fountain starting, but we surely have sacrificed our self-respect. We have made ourselves weak and fragile and stand only on our feet with an illusion of honor but no light in our hearts when we do that. We might just not even feel anything when we have spoken a lie, but it definitely glues us to the evil. Dishonesty gets us closer to the evil spirit.

Bending integrity is not just about the words in open – our hearts too speak languages unheard by our inefficient little ears. I speak about the deep rooted, yet highly frail intentions we possess. Our actions need not verily show our intentions for it’s not a human tendency to synchronize them with our behaviors. But definitely having a clear conscience is a satisfaction in true sense and in itself. Dishonest intentions undermine our untainted thoughts and corrupt our mind – leaving us with an unforgiving pain in our soul – seldom understood.

Keep your word; be loyal and committed; make words and actions, like two parallel lines, always run together; detest deception and fraud; condemn cheating. But this is not all it takes to keep you integrity intact – it needs more than sacrifice of the false mask you bear on your face – it needs love for integrity, requires endurance when heated due to friction, it asks for standing for the truth – even if it means giving up you life.

There are many more instances in our lives we happen to see, where in we just say no to the never dying truth; we allow it to happen, not aware that allowing something to happen in our eyes is equal to putting an approval stamp on it. There are many more occasions, I feel, not necessary to be unfolded now, where we shut the door close. It’s time we wake up and comprehend the knowledge we have been provided with – the one that makes us satisfy ourselves with a proud feeling of living with integrity.

Integrity opens the door for fulfillment in our hearts; the very bare necessity for a gratifying existence. Integrity teaches love.

Integrity makes you a person of substance.

I am dead. Long live my “life”. In the cold darkness of my grave I lie, with a longing to live again, dream again - survive again. But it’s all over. The end has come and there should now shortly be a transition of my spirit to the next world, high above in the skies, unseen and undiscovered. Then there should be a weighing done; an accounting of my deeds – merits and demerits – a decision of my hereafter; the judgment. I should then be thrown into the fires fueled by human mass, or if my Creator decides otherwise, should I enjoy the scents of the everlasting bliss. My hereafter – the END that never ends.

But wait. I am not done yet. Even if I am to die the very next moment, I am still alive. I am not over until I really am. I am here; speaking to you well aware of the possible forthcomings, well aware that everyday I live is but a blessing from my Creator.

Some say “live today for there might be no tomorrow”. Then others say “no matter we have a tomorrow or not, we do have a day after that tomorrow”. But I say “We very well have a ‘day-after-tomorrow’, we also have a ‘tomorrow’ to come. But before that, we have our ‘today’ - the most extravagant gift from The Exalted Creator. Live up to it.”

But have I done anything great by living all these days? Is it a big thing to survive for 19 years? Are these 19 long years long enough to make me feel that I have experienced life? Have I learnt how to live up to my life? Have I learnt to survive?

I guess I did! I am alive.

19 years have passed since my birth, is there anything to celebrate about in it? There are so many who have heard more birthday wishes than me. They have lived more than me and experienced more too. Can this give me a reason to celebrate? I am just among the billions who have seen their numbers getting heavier. Age isn’t anything but a number, and an increment in it never makes me feel like partying. Should it?

6939 days after I have opened my eyes in this biosphere, I am being said “Happy Birthday”, and “Many Happy Returns of the Day”. Why did no one wish me 19 years back, on the day I took birth? Nobody greeted me into this world on that day. I might have cried and cried, but nobody every said “Welcome to the place you belong to”. Or maybe it was said and I don’t remember. Silly me; always complaining!

But for what am I being wished now? And why should I thank for being wished? Does their wishing make any difference? Or is it just another formality? Let me guess. They do it only for one reason – I wish them on their day! But why do I wish them? Because they do it to me? A viscous circle indeed it is. And yes, of course there are always people who do it for another reason – they felt love and affection; the undefined features of life.

Today, I am supposed to be aware of how I spend my 1,440 beautiful moments, and I am to spend them wisely for this is going to decide my next 1440. I got to live today and plan for tomorrow. No matter I am wished by anybody or not, only my Cherisher’s favor is what I long for.

Those who love profoundly never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. Unless I try to do a bit beyond what I have already acquired, I‘ll never grow. Love is my destiny; I live for it, and because of it. I don’t love any person more than myself, and God, I suppose, is not a person. I got love running through my veins and my survival is winged to it. It propels me forward, independent of my past, and out of bounds of my future.

Life is a procession. If I am too fast, I’ll get ahead of it only to cease to live it. If I am too slow it gets ahead of me, leaving me only to regret. In these 19 years I have walked hand in hand with life - learning, teaching, living, and surviving.

But sometimes I run away from my life so that I can see myself coming to where I am. The desire to know about my existence arises to get me out of the true path. But my path itself reminds me of one thing – there is no path on either sides of this path, and I have no other option but to accept it without having any knowledge of it. This continues my procession, my survival.

Sometimes I fear getting older. But again I got no option – I need not resent growing. Many are denied this privilege. I am blessed to see the increasing numbers – I am getting young day by day. I am surviving.

Definitely my day is going to come. I should have a tryst with an end, and a rendezvous with a new beginning; a beginning that invites me to eternity; a beginning that marks my end in this world. In the world I have survived all through.

My end is not nearing to me, I am nearing to it. And for only one reason should I see my end – I have survived to be there.

I have seen what I have seen. There is definitely much more to come, much more to understand, much more to dream, much more to desire, much more to cherish, much more to live, much more to survive.

And yes, this gives me a reason – the reason to celebrate.

I SURVIVE.

It was a few days back that I, just before sleeping in the night, was busy with my daily chore of analyzing the day that has just ended and bang; I was reminded of a question I had read that day – “ Who are you?”

The answer as expected looked pretty simple and obvious, but it really wasn’t. I could have reacted to it with plain feedback like “I am Zubair”, “I am a student”, or “I am a human being”. But that couldn’t be satisfactory to me. The question was not “What is your name?”, “What do you do?”, or “What are you?” It was “Who are you?”.

I couldn’t sleep that night.

The next day I sat staring at the ceiling as my sub-consciousness was pouring in answers into my perception. This was incredible for I never felt that way before. Every thought was pulling me deep into the wells of eternal truths I was afraid to find, there was darkness all around except for a dim light caressing my hair from the above. There were voices all around from the cracks of the walls of that well and I felt breathlessness as the air was thin.

The increasing loudness of these voices was so frightening that I could feel noise getting into me through my scull. The measure of horror was high enough to send shivers through my weak body.

But my desire to get the answer was so strong that I refused to get myself out of this. This desire was necessary to keep life in motion. I never wanted to be thought brave because I was afraid to run away. I wanted to be taken as a thing that knows about itself. And I continued.

Then from behind the dreadful noises I heard a sweet something. A voice, an answer. Sweet tone, but a whispering secret I wish I never had to hear. Cruel words I guess I knew, but never cared to even give a damn thought. The words, the answer – “You are nobody!”


How can that be? I am not nobody. I have heard of things like these before. Things like - we are nothing but humble tiny little creatures on earth, or we mean nothing and nobody ever really cares about us.

But I am not no one. I am, and I should be something for there is something in me that goes unrealized. This gave me an immense pleasure to challenge the voice from that well of eternal truth. And I committed myself to prove it wrong.

For every 20 million living creatures on this planet earth, there is only one human being. A human being is a biological rarity. And I am on top of those 19.99 million creatures and I AM a Biological Rarity. I am rare.

Never was there any person like me in the past and never will there be any in the future.
I am unique. There is no one like me who exists. I am unique to myself. No one can ever replace me. I have my own place and I belong to it and that place belongs to me. It can’t be stolen from me. It resides inside me.

I am important. Important to people around me - my parents, friends and several others, I am important to myself. I have more importance than that of a thread of gold. I am lot more important than that for I am not just a thread of gold.

I have subsistence running in me. This existence comprises desires, love, happiness, pleasures, humor, feelings, pain and pathos – and they spurt inside of me. A “nobody” never has this. I exist.

I have a face – an identity. I have a name – a pedigree. I have a house – a home. I have dreams – a reason to toil. I have people – I love. I have a world – I belong to. I have “haves”. A “nobody” never has this.

But above all this I have God. And He himself has said that I, a human being, am of His best of creations. I am on top of all that He has created. I am enriched by Him, made to become the best of all that subsists. I am an out of the ordinary, unusual creation of God. A “nobody” isn’t.

There are philosophers, philanthropists and thinkers who too gave me answers to this question and they are verily in my favor and in total agreement with me.

I am a sphere around which rhythmic fragments revolve
I am infinite shore to an infinite sea where infinite rhythmic fragments in the form of sand grains reside. People walk on them and leave their footsteps behind only for my rhythmic waves to level them.
I am but a fragment of my giant self, a mouth that seeks bread, and a blind hand that holds the cup for a thirsty mouth.
I am a winged spirit that cannot escape necessity.
I am the one who has chosen the delights of this world and the peace of the next.
I am a secret untold to my own self.

Who am I?

I AM LIFE.