Being contemplative over issues about some distaste towards love marriages can be melodramatic but may sometimes even result in morose responses. Emotions and feelings are precursors so no amount of magnanimous time spent to explain any person about the cons of such kind of marriages can ever be of any substantial use. Every time such talk is brought forward, examples of successful nuptial relationships that have involved two single lovers before the tie are spoken about and are used as weapons to fight the so called conservatives and narrow minded people.
It is of course a matter of worthy happiness if the girl and the boy love each other and have decided to get married. Definitely it has many times been seen that such marriages have been going smoothly and without any guilt. But it is chiefly because there are always some kinds of auxiliary and special qualities in either or both of the two lovers that keep them bonded. Every time a love marriage is successful it is because there were several breaches that had never made and continue not to make any difference to the relationship. The couple is wise enough to understand what it takes for a successful marriage and how to elude communication gaps and consequent misunderstandings. The extra understanding of self-esteem, ego and what to talk and what not to talk is essential for this success and we all very well know if this happens or not.
Knowing the rules of the game beforehand is necessary to win it. When we don’t know the rules, we break them even without knowing that we are breaking them, and this leads to being thrown out of the game and if the rule broken has caused too much loss to both the teams, even the game needs to be aborted.
I am not here to write any rules. In the lines below I wish to list out, and elucidate to some extent, the demerits of love marriages. No doubt the comprehensiveness that may be derived from the merits can be more exhaustive and appealing, but it may be more of subjective. What I am going to discuss may too be subjective to some but a limited extent. Objective lines with reasoned and valid explanations are that that would make the list have substance.
I put my trust in the value judgments and mature minds of the readers and would also like to remind them that it is a lot easier to feel than to think.
- Love usually happens at first sight. If it is otherwise – after spending time with each other, probably like friends – then the both have known each other very well and have felt that the other is best suited for them. This can better be termed as love between friends or marriage between friends. Lets look at the first kind – love at first sight. The two have hardly known each other and if it was not for the looks then it would have been something like their behaviors or ‘mystic’ attractions that have brought them closer. This is all subjective. The guy is always supposed or expected to take the first step and he puts on all the efforts initially. He behaves well and impresses her. He proposes, she accepts, parents have no problem and they marry. Until now, neither the boy nor the girl, have known about the little unlikable qualities in each other. The rest is obvious and can be predicted.
- But if the girl and the boy have spent time with each other before marriage – have been on dates, movies, or at least spent some time to know each other – even then they fail to grasp the necessary knowledge of each other because both of them behave in the best way they could in front of the other as they are afraid that any wrong move or any wrong word would break their trust and also the relation that is about to happen. The guy spends more time with the girl, fulfills all her wishes and does everything to keep her happy – all this just to make her accept his marriage proposal. They get married. The guy has her now, so he stops doing all the things he used to do before their marriage. Now he spends less time with her and more with his friends and work, gives little attention to her, and begins to forget the powerful love he had felt for her. She says “you have changed since our marriage. You were different before our marriage”. Is there anybody who hasn’t heard of anything like this – at least in the movies? Okay, if you say that it happens only in movies, then let me ask if you know every detail what a couple that has had a love marriage talk about when alone and when unhappy with each other. Every married couple develops indifferences sometime or the other, but anything like this is never said. It makes a lot of difference when it is said.
- When the lovers see each other, they have expectations. They want in return the same amount of affection, love and care they give. It doesn’t happen always. They are disheartened after the marriage when they don’t get what they had wanted to achieve from the marriage – in many contexts.
- The two have seen each other with their own respective friends. One might have seen a friend of the other joking about him/her. The girl might have seen the guy with another girl who was just his friend, or vise versa. One might have seen the other laughing at something he/she had respected. All this, at some time or the other, come up between the two after their marriage.
- Before the marriage both of them have considered each other equal in every sense or perhaps the guy has made the girl feel a bit more superior than himself while persuading her to marry him. He might have even bowed in front of her or got down on his knees. He is not going to do this again – after the marriage. The girl might have liked him only because he had done it.
- After the marriage they are no more equal – not is every right or responsibility they have. As friends or acquaintances they might have had equality but after the marriage, it is the husband who becomes the head of the family. The girl may not like it because previously they were equals and now he has become a bit superior. Equality between a husband and a wife is a myth – we all know it and also know that it is necessary.
- Coming to friends who have got married to each other. Firstly we need to know that they were friends before marriage and now they are the spouses of each other. It takes time for them to understand the difference and change their attitudes accordingly. Previously they could fight, break the friendship or not talk to each other and then again unite, but now that they are tied to each other, it is not possible for them to behave the way they had done being friends. We know what can happen here.
- If they were friends, then it is probable that there wasn’t much of any age difference between the two. It can also be that the girl is elder to the guy. This may create some ego problems again.
- They have already known each other. Now that they are married they don’t get much to talk to each other about themselves. The guy will already have praised the girl to the limit and the girl already admired him to her satisfaction. Also possible is that they get bored of each other or tired of loving.
- The girl is never going to blush. She has already done it before marriage. Now she will hardly be shy in front of the guy. But guys like this. They will miss this joy after marriage. It is one of those very blissful things that bring the newly wed couple closer. Things in this sense can be imagined and understood, I need not bring everything on paper.
- They both have already spent time in romancing, playing, teasing and enjoying with each other. If they had done it after the marriage instead, it would have made their marriage stronger. But it had just made the temporary relation – the one they had before marriage – stronger. Even this is among those things that are better done after marriage.
- Being friends, the kind of respect between them is a lot different than what they need to have now. It takes time to adjust with this and if anything goes wrong before the adjustment happens … no guesses!
- Even common friends can be a problem. A friend may be closer to one of the two, and may speak out some secrets that were to be kept secret. Who knows what all may go wrong with some misunderstanding coming up?
- When two unknowns get married, there is a kind of excitement between them. The excitement to know each other, the blushing cheeks, the innocent smiles, the unforgettable moments spent in breaking the ice, the games played with eyes and what not. Some of these will be already done between the two before the marriage if its love marriage. What will they do now?
- There are also some constraints from the families of either of the sides. Usually it has been seen that the boy’s parents have problems (as long as things have nothing to do with rivalries or bad family backgrounds). Even if every person is happy, there is some hiccup from some relatives of the girl. It sometimes questions the girl’s character even if she is a very good person. These things die away once the marriage is performed, but in the later stages, if there are some rough times the couple sees, then these things do pop up to worsen the conditions.
- Of course the money matters. We all know what happens if there is a big gap in the statuses of the two sides. Ego again.
- Ego plays a very important role always. If the marriage is arranged, the girl is younger than the boy, the two families are of the same financial position, and if both the families are happy and satisfied with the marriage, then no such problems arise.
- They have decided to get married after a lot of thinking and ever fear. If they had been married to the person of their parents’ choice, they would never question anything and trust their elders’ decision. How often do we trust ourselves completely? In big decisions don’t we consult our parents because we know they understand what is right for us? The marriage relation is always on a thin line threatening to break away if no elders were involved with the decision. A marriage is more than just a bond between two people, two families are involved.
- When something goes wrong between the couple, there is a good chance that they may start regretting their decision to marry the person. They may say, “I made a mistake by marrying you” or “I didn’t know you were like this” or “you cheated me” or “you don’t love me the way you used to do”. Is this not the end of everything?
So finally, I would like to repeat what I had written even before listing out the demerits – it takes at least one of the two spouses or both of them to have something extra, more than what is required from those in arranged marriages, in them to have a successful relationship and a peaceful life.
The rest is left for the readers to comprehend. We all have been obliged with the capacity to think, differentiate, analyze, judge and decide. A decision needs to be followed by an action.
